Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Lost in thought

Most times when I post a blog on this main page I have some sort of base to start off of or some "deep" thought. For once...I do not. I just thought I would start of with a clear and open mind and see where it leads me.

Throughout my last few weeks I have yet again experienced many a broad range of things. I have been in yet another pointless relationship that ended as quickly as it had started. Work pushes me forward still with long days and low pay. Insomnia slowly takes over my nights and blends them into my morns only to repeat its horrid circle hours later.

Yet pondering my last couple of months since my last post I find that I do learn a couple of new things...

Life yet again moves on. Each endless day passes into yet another in this "cycle" of life. I stop to think to myself my reason for living and being and actions. What do I find? Every second that passes on where I am accomplishing getting by leaves me feeling like I have not nor ever accomplish anything.

I have acctually come to the realization that the depression that others feel and the lack of being is really an inspiration to me. My depression should drag me down but seems everyday to fuel the exact opposite. Each time I sit down and ponder things I drag myself down and of course get more depressed. However, oddly enough, as fast as I drag myself down I seem to boost myself back up.

Looking back overthe few years that I have lived so far I find that I have learned and experienced much. Surprising to think about now I have most likely experienced more in my few short years of existence than most people do in their entire lives. I have been at both extremes of life as well. One end wholesome and obedient, the other a drunk and using drugs looking for the next good time.

What I write now I am writing as a thank you to those that seeing me through all of this still see some kind of hope for me. They tell me my potential and also what they know I am capable of. Forgetting where I have been and what I can do I still can't see what they see. I have a tendency to let the little things build up and bring me down....however I still know what they say and I do listen to it. It may be difficult for me to understand it but it is remembered.

I promise all of you that this applies day you will be right. I will eventually stumble onto that path you all tell me I will find. One day I will miraculously luck out and be able to do whats right. In the meantime all I ask is for you to keep telling me what you have all along and tell me to keep doing my best. Eventually, success will happen whether I let it or not and things will change.

Thank you.