Lost in thought

Most times when I post a blog on this main page I have some sort of base to start off of or some "deep" thought. For once...I do not. I just thought I would start of with a clear and open mind and see where it leads me.

Throughout my last few weeks I have yet again experienced many a broad range of things. I have been in yet another pointless relationship that ended as quickly as it had started. Work pushes me forward still with long days and low pay. Insomnia slowly takes over my nights and blends them into my morns only to repeat its horrid circle hours later.

Yet pondering my last couple of months since my last post I find that I do learn a couple of new things...

Life yet again moves on. Each endless day passes into yet another in this "cycle" of life. I stop to think to myself my reason for living and being and actions. What do I find? Every second that passes on where I am accomplishing getting by leaves me feeling like I have not nor ever accomplish anything.

I have acctually come to the realization that the depression that others feel and the lack of being is really an inspiration to me. My depression should drag me down but seems everyday to fuel the exact opposite. Each time I sit down and ponder things I drag myself down and of course get more depressed. However, oddly enough, as fast as I drag myself down I seem to boost myself back up.

Looking back overthe few years that I have lived so far I find that I have learned and experienced much. Surprising to think about now I have most likely experienced more in my few short years of existence than most people do in their entire lives. I have been at both extremes of life as well. One end wholesome and obedient, the other a drunk and using drugs looking for the next good time.

What I write now I am writing as a thank you to those that seeing me through all of this still see some kind of hope for me. They tell me my potential and also what they know I am capable of. Forgetting where I have been and what I can do I still can't see what they see. I have a tendency to let the little things build up and bring me down....however I still know what they say and I do listen to it. It may be difficult for me to understand it but it is remembered.

I promise all of you that this applies to....one day you will be right. I will eventually stumble onto that path you all tell me I will find. One day I will miraculously luck out and be able to do whats right. In the meantime all I ask is for you to keep telling me what you have all along and tell me to keep doing my best. Eventually, success will happen whether I let it or not and things will change.

Thank you.

Experience....

So who was it that said experience is the best teacher? I don't personally know, but I do think that man should be shot. Not to sound bitter but why is it that being hurt, or heartbroken, or thrilled have to be the best teacher?

Do we really need to experience things on our own and see the troubles in life to realize what the right or wrong answer to something truly is?

I am taking this moment to thank my parents, first, and anyone else who has given me instructions or incite in life. I am the first to admit I am 100% stubborn and probably don't even listen half the time. However, I want them all to know that their words are as sweet as honey and have not gone unheard. To listen and to hear I feel are 2 different things.

Everyone can listen....all it truly requires is for us to stare at the person with a blank look and give an occasional uh-huh. Just kidding, but when we are the person giving the advice it sometimes feels that way. I do feel that listening doesn't always mean applying or acting on those instructions. The main reason that anyone ever tells us these important things anyway is merely to help us. What is important is for us to hear it...

Here is where I feel that experience, although we can learn from our past, can take a backseat. When we truly listen to those who love and care about us we aren't just sitting there nodding...we are hearing and taking to heart what is said to us. What good would it be for people to share their knowledge if it was to just fall on deaf ears? Not only be it would and insult to the person sharing the knowledge with us, but it would also be foolish on our part to sacrifice words of wisdom for experience every time.

Now I'm not saying that we never need to experience life, however, there are sometimes when we don't need to go through the pain of experience when another alternative is offered. How many times can you count when you know that you shouldn't do something and did it anyway just to experience it knowing it was going to have bad consequences?

So enough negative, and back to my point. Thank you to everyone that has given me advice in life to try and save me the troubles of learning on my own. Just remember even though you probably thought I was only listening I did hear what you said and I appreciate it.





Just thought I would share a painting in this blog from one of my favorite artists, Thomas Kinkade.

Song

Just posted up a new song for everyone since I haven't put a new one on in awhile.

This is fairly fitting on the lyrics since it describes most of my relationships. It's not 100% accurate but still it is fairly dead on. Listen to it if you haven't....

Omarion, Ice Box.

Finally updated

I finally sat down and updated the Electronic's section of my blog with a review of the Motorola Q and the new EV-DO Rev A PCMCIA aircard model number AC595. Be sure to check it out.

-A

trepidations

The feeling of alarm or dread.....in the plural.

With everything that has occurred in my life I CONSTANTLY have dread. Never can I figure out which answer is the correct one and how to stick with it. Throughout growing up and experiencing life we all make choices and decisions that affect not only ourselves but all others. I choose one thing to make myself feel happy and then I hurt a dozen others. I choose something they want and I bring myself down into depression.

Is there anything in life that you can choose that makes 100% of everyone happy? I know the right answer, but what if you can never live up to your decision? The problem isn't so much the choosing correctly as it is the letting everyone down if you even falter in your steps not to mention just messing up a little.

I have told many people many promises and unfortunately I have let almost all of them down. There is a time in everyone's life when they need to come to grips with what they have done and make amends with the people they have wronged. The next important step will be to actually LEARN how to change AND THEN CHANGE.

Now there is no way that any of us can undo what we have done in the past but we can all learn how to not repeat ourselves. If there is something that we can do that is right, and we know it why not act on that for once? Whether or not people in my past believe me when I promise them that things will be different I thought I would just let them know anyway that I will be working on it as much as possible in the future.

I know what is right and wrong, now I just need to make sure that I do what I promise and follow through. Like anything in life we all need to make sure we think before we act. Of all people this is most applicable to me. I am making it my main goal to make the right decisions and not hurt those important to me anymore.

Been busy

Sorry just been really busy lately and haven't been really able to post this last month or so.

I know I don't have many readers, however, those of you that do read this and the few guests I get just thought I would let you know I am bringing this back to life.

Be sure to check out the Electronics blog link on the right because I'm gonna start dumping lots of electronics in there including phone reviews and review on the REV A Air Card through VZW I am now sporting.

-A

I see life as a PARADOX

A paradox is defined as a statement that contradicts itself, i.e. "'I always lie.' If it true it must be false."


I have come to the decision that all of society and life is a living paradox. IF EVERYONE IN LIFE IS TRUE, THEY MUST BE FALSE.


Doesn't that sound a little accurate? Those that claim they are closest and truest friends follow suit and end up "being true" by showing that they are false friends. They may have the truest of intentions, however, they let their own sentiments and opinions overshadow what is more meaningful....your feelings and emotions.

I write this insert into my list of opinions not so much for myself, but this time for everyone else and for one particular reader. No matter how many times you tell some one something they can still let it fade from memory. The best part about writing something out is that it is like making it permanently known. Once the words are published there is no way to undo the lasting impression they can have on someone. These words I write are to show that there is more to life then the false people we meet.

These "paradoxical" people will burn you time and again. The greatest part about being the people that we are is our ability to be resilient and bounce back. It is true that we may not always bounce as high as other times, but we still will bounce. The only down side is when a person finally gives up bouncing. I don't want you to stop. The phrase "sticks and stones" was never written by someone who has experienced the things said that some today have experienced. I have unfortunately been on both sides. As I have made clear in previous blogs, I am sorry.... However, those words will stick with you, one way or another, for life. That is why I am saying, forget about them and their hurtful, thoughtless words.

You can burn down a forest and it will sprout and grow back. You burn it enough times and not just the trees, but also the soil will be burned. Once that happens, it will die deep down inside and never truly be worth anything again. People can only bounce back on their own so many times before the momentum stops. If there isn't another person there to keep the momentum going deep down inside we will end up feeling like nothing is worth anything. No matter what some people may say or not say...I'm still here to help. I still plan on keeping everything bouncing along. No one is ever really alone, and just because some may act like a paradox towards us that doesn't mean all are.

What if someone finally is being sincere? Just keep asking yourself, "What about next time?" Not everyone will be false, there may be moments it may feel like it, but everyone gets someone that is genuine at least once in their lives. Your time is coming up if you haven't already gotten there. Let the skeletons out or keep them bottled up, it doesn't matter in the long run once you have reached that point because as long as you don't act "paradoxical" towards that someone, they have no reason to ever doubt you or turn their back on you in word or deed. There is more to life then what meets the eye, even if we don't ever want to believe it.

People will from time to time let reality seep in and see the deeper, honest meaning of things. Sometimes they will completely ignore it and move past. To each person is their own decision, I'm not trying to make it for them. However, just because they see something one way doesn't mean we have to let them "in" and let them burn our forest down. We can let the flame extinguish before it has time to ignite anything. That is what is great about that other person being there to help our momentum. It may be one person, it may be many people, but there are those that see us for our TRUE self. They can see past our shadows, secrets and our skeletons.

Our past may help form and define us; however, it doesn't make us. We all have control of our futures. WE ALL DECIDE WHAT KIND OF PERSON WE ARE AND HOW WE WANT TO LIVE AND ACT IN OUR FUTURES. No one's words can ever take that from us. They can't make us do what's right or wrong. Forget the bad, just remember you will always make mistakes. That is why they are called mistakes. The greatest part is that we can do the right thing just as easily....


....do what you feel is right. You are not alone...I won't let you be.

And that is me letting YOU know that I see something different then they do.

Fear is misunderstood

"The only thing to fear, is fear itself."

Franklin D. Roosevelt made that quote among many other memorable ones. The phrase can have dramatic meaning for some people, however, it can be totally disregarded by other people.

Why have I chosen this phrase to start off you ask? Simple reason, I think that is a profound statement just misunderstood. Roosevelt had a wonderful idea that would make people feel reassured, but that is the whole problem. They didn't need to feel reassured because they were the problem not their fear.

I have come to the conclusion that fear is more equivalent to a person lacking self confidence and assurance about one's self. They are just needing to boost their own ego in order to beat what they "fear." Due to not having confidence in them self in one category or another, they let the imagination run free and get the best of them. The best way to beat fear then would be to outsmart it.

As long as there is no doubt about a person's self being and worth there should be nothing to fear. Phobias are then meerly the brain and imagination dupping them. They "fear" spiders because they think spiders will bite them. However, if that person has the confidence in themselves to beat there mind, then they would realize that the spiders is smaller then there fingernail. This may not be a very good analogy, but I have a reason for bringing this all up. This is my reason...

Today in society we are all "afraid" of what others seem to think of us and who we are. That fear is nothing more then not having enough confidence in ourselves to be better then what most everyone out there thinks we are. It never really matters how people perceive us. "People" normally don't care about something if it doesn't have any impact of influence on their small little worlds. So in turn, the main reason a person would be showing "fear" is because they are worried more about that other person and how they are efffecting them. What is important is to always remember that we all need to have confidence in ourselves and not worry about appearances.

If appearance was all that mattered, this would be a pointless blog. However, appearance is always only on the surface. Reality is deeper and that is the important part. Since the only thing that can actually effect anything else is the real person then that should negate the "fear." We have no need to worry about other's perceptions. If we always worried then nothing that matters would ever be accomplished for "fear" of letting others down. However, if we have self confidence then we never have to worry about what others think and we will realize that the real person we are is what has a lasting impact on the world around us. Never "fear" what others will think and wonder about you because all that is really important is that we are 100% true and honest with ourselves and others. If we do this then no matter perceptions about us the real person is always what will win in the end and have the critical impacts on us and our world to make life enjoyable.

-A

Being Alone

During my life I have come to many realizations about many different topics. One that I have realized is the need for a compliment. By use of this word I do mean getting an "attaboy" here and there. What I mean by compliment is having someone that completes you as a person, that becomes your match and missing half.

Those of you that have never experienced this I want you to know that once you finally find someone like this you will understand exactly what I am talking about. Now for those of you that have, everything I am about to say you may already know or have been told but it is always nice to hear it.


Every person in life I have talked to that has found their match tells me just how happy and joyful they are. I agree completely. Finding someone that can match up with you in most ever aspect is not just amazing, it can be viewed as a blessing and refreshing. However, unless you meet that one person that is the PERFECT compliment you are going to feel a lot of the same pain and heartache that I have experienced.

The main reason I'm writing this is cause I have the slight hope that there might be at least one person who reads this that is able to feel at least a little comforted if not reassured that things will get better.

The thing I have realized that with time there is always pain, but also always healing. There is no feeling like having someone be there for you at the drop of a dime. There may always be friends there for you, but the companionship and completeness you get from having someone there for you that is understanding and loving and caring is unmatched by any other feeling. It is an natural born instinct that you get in life to want someone else to be there for you and take are of you. However, sometimes you can lose that person and feeling. And that is the thing I wanted to talk about.

Pain is always in our lives in one way or another. We can never fully avoid it in this world. However, we all need to remember that we cannot let it consume us. There is always the right that we have to feel hurt and mourn and "cry" in our own ways. The only thing that I would like to impress upon those hurt souls is that time will fix it. I can't tell you that it will HEAL ALL because anyone that says that is giving you a line. I have been broken up with my fiance now for 14 months...however, I still think of her and long for the feelings and companionship I had when I was with her. Since then I have gone through many girlfriends, and I ahve hurt many women along the way. I cannot undo this and I'm sorry for causing them the pain in the first place. The problem though is that I keep going through them so that I can get that feeling back.

There is no way we can ever go back or get back that exact same feeling. What we need to do is let the pain ease away. There will be someone in the future we will all find. We will each find that someone that makes us feel like there is always going to be happiness and joy. We will fight like cats and dogs with this person, and we will make up like the best of friends. The main thing we need to remember until then is to stay by your closest friends. Whether you are in love or just need a person there for the moment, those true friends stay by you til you find that perfect match.

I wish I could undo every hurt and tear that everyone else and myself have gone through. Since I am really no one important and this isn't read by many, I would like my true friends to know that I am here for you. I am the one that you all have for that one moment that you need someone. When everything is wrong and you need a shoulder, I'll be that one phone call away. I can't promise I'm going to be that compliment we all need but I can tell you that since now and again I need it, I will be there day and night. I have been there to go through the pain and want no one else to. But what is most important is that within time, you will heal enough to get over that lost person and move on to someone that won't be the same but in their own way will be better for you because they will be that forever and match up with you 100%.

-A

The Road Not Taken

So I was thinking about the post that I posted prior to this one. Sometimes when you make that choice that needs to be done it doesn't seem right. People may judge you, as if it is there right, because you make the right choices. The right choice is not always the most preferred one. Sometimes it is less saught after because less people now choose the most morally and ethically correct paths in life. With that thought in mind, I would like to post a poem by my favorite poet. This poem is not my favorite by him, however, it is one of the most widely known and one of the most rellevant poems to the topic.

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.